We sat across from each other when he first came in. The littlest of our babies were happy to see him and tried to explain to him that earlier they had seen me cry and asked him to make me smile again.

So I went through everything that had been bothering me and we talked that out.

I gave him the opportunity to do the same.

Somewhere in all of that talking we actually started to heal from a few of our rifts that had been affecting us for so long.

We both began to realize that often we see things differently and we needed to talk more about things before they bother us.

My biggest problem is that I can’t leave things in the past and I let things get to me, so I am trying really hard to just relax a little, open up more and let other things go. 

He said to me that despite what he had said all he was intending to really do was have some space.

I couldn’t get rid of him that easily.

He was planning on coming back the next day anyway.

There’s more to it but I don’t want to write that here.

To cut a long story short, we are well.

I think we needed it, him and I, whatever happened and passed between us over the last few days was something that needed to happen. Mostly to grow as people and as a couple and for the sake of our own happiness and by extension, our childrens.

We were talking tonight and I said to him that I used to see him like he had an expiration date. Not because he lacked in anything because he didn’t and not because I wanted someone better because I didn’t…but because I just thought that being someone’s one and only is complete bullshit. I didn’t want to believe in love of that magnitude because it actually really, genuinely scares me.

It can be really difficult sometimes when I think about the depth of his love for me and his belief in me. He sees so much more in me than I do. Where I see a controlling narcissist he sees someone kind and generous and loving. I’m not saying I can’t be those things I just know that I have other unfortunate personality traits that pretty much can render me to be a nasty person when I want to be. Nasty and extremely mean.

The hardest part is that feeling that there is an impossible expectation that I cannot ever hope to live up to. I constantly feel like I am going to disappoint him and screw things up.

I told him about that and he never knew I felt that way. He also told me he has never come close to feeling like either of those things were a possibility. I probably never would have known that if I didn’t voice that fear to him.

It is scary being loved by someone, scary and overwhelming.

It is scary being in love with someone, so in love with them that their happiness is inextricably linked to yours.

He told me that I tend to try and sabotage our marriage a lot which I have incidentally been told by my therapist to quit doing. I know I needed to stop putting so much energy into doing things that could ruin my marriage and work harder at making him happy. I do try to focus on making myself and our marriage better and not that little voice in my mind that wants to constantly do things to ruin what we have.

All I know is that over the last few days I have never loved him than I do now. I never thought that it was possible to love him as deeply as I do but I guess life is full of surprises. For the first time in ever - I haven’t frozen him out when he has tried to be close to me. I’ve actually found myself wanting to be closer to him. It was always him that was the affectionate one 90% of the time and not me.

I guess what changed is that I realized I was pretty half-assed in this marriage, so I resolved to give him the best parts of me because he deserves that, not the most convenient or the easiest or the simplest.

Just everything. 

I don’t tend to be someone that trusts in what I feel a lot of the time. Everything I do is always carefully thought out and planned. It might not LOOK like that but NOTHING I do is random. I’m far too  controlling for that. My grandmother tells me I am all head and no heart, but over the last few days something in me feels different. I’ve started to trust what I feel and I’m happier.

I just regret and feel sad that he was with someone so withdrawn, so cold and so distant for so long. I know why he chose to stay, because there was nowhere else he wanted to be than with me. No where he needed to be or felt that he had to be.  It always came back to me and only me that he wanted to be with.

I know this, but It still doesn’t register with me as a smart move. I’m not going to complain though as  I am grateful he chose me.

So  tonight I am going to leave with a passage that now has new meaning for me and my gorgeous, brave and strong redhead that I have grown to love. I am so lucky he loves me back with all he has to give.

That was my last couple of days. What did I learn? How to love a little better and deeper.

“Entreat me not to leave thee, or to return from following after thee: for whither thou goest I will go: and where thou lodgest I will lodge, thy people shall be my people and thy God,my God:

Where thou diest will I die,and there will I be buried: the LORD do so to me and more also, if ought but death part thee and me.”